~ today in therapy ~
(continuing this thread:
https://mastodon.social/@nicknicknicknick/100401896902724106
which is itself a continuation of this birb thread
https://twitter.com/nickfourtimes/status/893116233838714880)
~ today in therapy ~
the part of me that wants to be adult, serious, in control; and the part of me that is vulnerable, desperate, hurting; and the disinformation between the two.
~ today in therapy ~
how much i hide away and keep to myself (for fear of what?), how much i relate with both deckard and the replicants – a shapeshifting, immature, dangerous, ambiguous agent that can blend in but is always at risk of being found out.
cf. https://friend.camp/@nicknicknicknick/100711904616456612
~ today in therapy ~
using forgetfulness at some level as an aggressive defence of my assumed/enacted independent identity; and other reasons why i internalise anger: it avoids negotiation, my only experience with anger has been at the extreme, i don't know how to "use" anger except for destruction & self-confirmation.
~ today in therapy ~
therapy was cancelled this week, but how about this #tbt to this time last year. still working on this, still working on lots.
[birb] https://twitter.com/nickfourtimes/status/915585934653083648
#todayintherapy
~ today in therapy ~
still anger.
anger as assertion; how i've trained myself to hide/ignore anger to avoid challenging people, to maintain a status quo. how this plays out as a constant performance & self-denial, a lack of identity in any situation, of identity in general. could "practising anger" as assertion help/have helped my definition of self...
~ today in therapy ~
i see every failure as a sign that i don't belong/am unwanted. after decades of (mundane!) failures i feel absolutely lost, alone, without identity. i want understanding/rapport but don't know what that looks like b/c i feel alien & unknown to everyone, depersonalised from myself.
~ today in therapy ~
ha ha
on this day...
[birb]
https://twitter.com/nickfourtimes/status/920674199592755202
~ today in therapy ~
insecurity.
i've internalised the rhetoric of rationality and feel ashamed when i can't realise it; everything has to be earned, validated, and codified; at the same time i'm scared of others who claim to be purely rational; we've cauterised a part of ourselves. i want emotions, i want connection; i'm scared of fitting in & disappearing.
#todayintherapy
~ today in therapy ~
i feel disconnected from myself, dissociated, fragmented – there's a different me in different situations. i feel numb, alone, frustrated, misunderstood, and i've hurt a lot of people in trying to get them to mirror those feelings for me instead of communicating what i feel myself.
~ today in therapy ~
the usual running in place: wanting connection, fear of the negotiation, energy, and uncertainty that it requires. more self-denial.
#todayintherapy
~ today in therapy ~
fear (and anger) and (self-)loathing.
the usual.
my only understanding of anger has been frightening and physically dangerous, so i end up turning it back on myself and swallowing it. i want people to witness the suffering (cf. this thread). also, the desire for instant gratification, how that shapes and is shaped by anger.
~ today in therapy ~
catching up after the holidays. two prominent features:
~ family dynamics (at the dinner table, &c.); are we emotionally "enmeshed," feeding back into one another, instead of acknowledging our boundaries?
~ do i view/enact my depression (or internalised anger) as a martyrdom, if so for what cause? what is the reward or acknowledgment i'm seeking?
~ today in therapy ~
navigating the obligations i feel to both domesticity on one end (cf. https://friend.camp/@nicknicknicknick/101389784602002627) and self-fulfillment on the other; more about my need for and lack of intimacy; and then we talked about male intimacy so *of course* i talked about deep space 9.
~ today in therapy ~
the possibility that what i think is low self-esteem is actually high self-esteem and entitlement hitting harsh realities/tripping over obstacles and turning to self-flagellation as manipulative call for attention/control. this is frightening to me.
also, returning to the feeling that everyone engages socially as if its their first language, and i'm only getting by in a third- or fourth-language that i read in a phrasebook.
~ today in therapy ~
@nicknicknicknick what did your therapist just tell you to argue more on the internet
~ today in therapy ~
@nicknicknicknick I get angry at work quite visibly now and everyone seems a lot more ok with it than I expected. Maybe it’s finding people who can deal with you being annoyed
@caraellison
i am... still not comfortable, for a variety of actual and legacy reasons....
@nicknicknicknick I think it’s okay to let it out as long as your voice doesn’t get raised. I tend to snap a bit and then mellow out a bit and people seem okay with that
@nicknicknicknick but I can understand this. I think also taking up a sport where anger can be let out in a healthy way is good: Muay Thai and pads works for me. Maybe it’d help?
@caraellison
my instinctual reaction to that is that it's way too late for me to start, and i will be bad. this is how i approach... just about everything.
spose that needs to change.
@nicknicknicknick honestly no one has to be like, good at punching and kicking. Very few people are. Have u ever seen a bar fight
~ today in therapy ~
@nicknicknicknick well, I wish you wouldn't feel that way 😅 but I know it's not that simple
~ today in therapy ~
@nicknicknicknick I won't forget you 😊
~ today in therapy ~
@nicknicknicknick sounds like a good day!
this actually connects with something i noticed where i do claim to prefer being quiet and on my own – i've practiced being alone for so long that i've come to valorise it – but if i feel vaguely safe enough in a conversation i can prattle on for hours and thoroughly enjoy it, something i'd previously denied myself.