~ today in therapy ~ 

(continuing this thread:
mastodon.social/@nicknicknickn
which is itself a continuation of this birb thread
twitter.com/nickfourtimes/stat)

~ today in therapy ~
the part of me that wants to be adult, serious, in control; and the part of me that is vulnerable, desperate, hurting; and the disinformation between the two.

~ today in therapy ~ 

forcing myself to do the opposite of what i want to do; i've spent so much time alone that i isolate myself despite wanting support and having it available. why.

~ today in therapy ~ 

how much i hide away and keep to myself (for fear of what?), how much i relate with both deckard and the replicants – a shapeshifting, immature, dangerous, ambiguous agent that can blend in but is always at risk of being found out.

cf. friend.camp/@nicknicknicknick/

this actually connects with something i noticed where i do claim to prefer being quiet and on my own – i've practiced being alone for so long that i've come to valorise it – but if i feel vaguely safe enough in a conversation i can prattle on for hours and thoroughly enjoy it, something i'd previously denied myself.

~ today in therapy ~ 

sexuality! finally!
specifically teenage sexuality.
also the overlap between my online friends in the kink and game studies circles, respectively, and the concept of the magic circle common to both.

~ today in therapy ~ 

using forgetfulness at some level as an aggressive defence of my assumed/enacted independent identity; and other reasons why i internalise anger: it avoids negotiation, my only experience with anger has been at the extreme, i don't know how to "use" anger except for destruction & self-confirmation.

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~ today in therapy ~ 

therapy was cancelled this week, but how about this to this time last year. still working on this, still working on lots.
[birb] twitter.com/nickfourtimes/stat

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~ today in therapy ~ 

still anger.
anger as assertion; how i've trained myself to hide/ignore anger to avoid challenging people, to maintain a status quo. how this plays out as a constant performance & self-denial, a lack of identity in any situation, of identity in general. could "practising anger" as assertion help/have helped my definition of self...

~ today in therapy ~ 

i see every failure as a sign that i don't belong/am unwanted. after decades of (mundane!) failures i feel absolutely lost, alone, without identity. i want understanding/rapport but don't know what that looks like b/c i feel alien & unknown to everyone, depersonalised from myself.

~ today in therapy ~ 

i feel inflexible and incapable of negotiation in the abstract sense. i hold onto an ideal of a static, fully-capable individual, and recoil when i don't meet that. i also want to achieve a more flexible, rhizomatic, insightful being. it'll take some work.

~ today in therapy ~ 

insecurity.
i've internalised the rhetoric of rationality and feel ashamed when i can't realise it; everything has to be earned, validated, and codified; at the same time i'm scared of others who claim to be purely rational; we've cauterised a part of ourselves. i want emotions, i want connection; i'm scared of fitting in & disappearing.

~ today in therapy ~ 

i feel disconnected from myself, dissociated, fragmented – there's a different me in different situations. i feel numb, alone, frustrated, misunderstood, and i've hurt a lot of people in trying to get them to mirror those feelings for me instead of communicating what i feel myself.

~ today in therapy ~ 

oh yeah! we had a break this week.
but i spent most of the day working from home, thinking of all the ways i've pushed people away. maybe i was hoping they'd want me back? maybe i'm scared of showing a face i do not know.

~ today in therapy ~ 

i am an egg. everyone is an egg.
i've internalised the fragility of others and myself to the point where i avoid confronting myself and others. for fear of breaking. the frustration builds, the meekness & depression spread.

~ today in therapy ~ 

self-mortification vs aspiration. the ideal i want, and the means by which i punish myself for moving towards it.

~ today in therapy ~ 

the usual running in place: wanting connection, fear of the negotiation, energy, and uncertainty that it requires. more self-denial.

~ today in therapy ~ 

fear (and anger) and (self-)loathing.
the usual.
my only understanding of anger has been frightening and physically dangerous, so i end up turning it back on myself and swallowing it. i want people to witness the suffering (cf. this thread). also, the desire for instant gratification, how that shapes and is shaped by anger.

~ today in therapy ~ 

catching up after the holidays. two prominent features:
~ family dynamics (at the dinner table, &c.); are we emotionally "enmeshed," feeding back into one another, instead of acknowledging our boundaries?
~ do i view/enact my depression (or internalised anger) as a martyrdom, if so for what cause? what is the reward or acknowledgment i'm seeking?

~ today in therapy ~ 

navigating the obligations i feel to both domesticity on one end (cf. friend.camp/@nicknicknicknick/) and self-fulfillment on the other; more about my need for and lack of intimacy; and then we talked about male intimacy so *of course* i talked about deep space 9.

well that's cheque #069 written to my therapist.

huh.

~ today in therapy ~ 

the possibility that what i think is low self-esteem is actually high self-esteem and entitlement hitting harsh realities/tripping over obstacles and turning to self-flagellation as manipulative call for attention/control. this is frightening to me.

also, returning to the feeling that everyone engages socially as if its their first language, and i'm only getting by in a third- or fourth-language that i read in a phrasebook.

~ today in therapy ~ 

i am bone tired. the ways i bully myself, the ways i act my emotions against myself and others instead of voicing them. the various reasons i enjoy smashing my ego against itself.

~ today in therapy ~ 

i expect things to be all or nothing, either i am perfect and respected at something or i spitefully turn away from it.

also she recognised my zelda ringtone and enjoyed ocarina of time!

~ today in therapy ~ 

first sesh in a few weeks.
i'm feeling okay.
i'm feeling okay because i can converse with myself and others.
it's not perfect and i'm accepting that.

to reiterate...
🐦🔗
twitter.com/nickfourtimes/stat

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~ today in therapy ~ 

@nicknicknicknick what did your therapist just tell you to argue more on the internet

~ today in therapy ~ 

@nicknicknicknick I get angry at work quite visibly now and everyone seems a lot more ok with it than I expected. Maybe it’s finding people who can deal with you being annoyed

@caraellison
i am... still not comfortable, for a variety of actual and legacy reasons....

@nicknicknicknick I think it’s okay to let it out as long as your voice doesn’t get raised. I tend to snap a bit and then mellow out a bit and people seem okay with that

@nicknicknicknick but I can understand this. I think also taking up a sport where anger can be let out in a healthy way is good: Muay Thai and pads works for me. Maybe it’d help?

@caraellison
my instinctual reaction to that is that it's way too late for me to start, and i will be bad. this is how i approach... just about everything.

spose that needs to change.

@nicknicknicknick honestly no one has to be like, good at punching and kicking. Very few people are. Have u ever seen a bar fight

~ today in therapy ~ 

@nicknicknicknick well, I wish you wouldn't feel that way 😅 but I know it's not that simple

~ today in therapy ~ 

@nicknicknicknick I won't forget you 😊

~ today in therapy ~ 

@nicknicknicknick sounds like a good day!

@hache
ah it's alright it's.... just some potential realisations i have to process.

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