(continuing this thread:
https://mastodon.social/@nicknicknicknick/100401896902724106
which is itself a continuation of this birb thread
https://twitter.com/nickfourtimes/status/893116233838714880)

~ today in therapy ~
the part of me that wants to be adult, serious, in control; and the part of me that is vulnerable, desperate, hurting; and the disinformation between the two.

#todayintherapy

forcing myself to do the opposite of what i want to do; i've spent so much time alone that i isolate myself despite wanting support and having it available. why.

how much i hide away and keep to myself (for fear of what?), how much i relate with both deckard and the replicants – a shapeshifting, immature, dangerous, ambiguous agent that can blend in but is always at risk of being found out.

cf. https://friend.camp/@nicknicknicknick/100711904616456612

this actually connects with something i noticed where i do claim to prefer being quiet and on my own – i've practiced being alone for so long that i've come to valorise it – but if i feel vaguely safe enough in a conversation i can prattle on for hours and thoroughly enjoy it, something i'd previously denied myself.

sexuality! finally!
specifically teenage sexuality.
also the overlap between my online friends in the kink and game studies circles, respectively, and the concept of the magic circle common to both.

using forgetfulness at some level as an aggressive defence of my assumed/enacted independent identity; and other reasons why i internalise anger: it avoids negotiation, my only experience with anger has been at the extreme, i don't know how to "use" anger except for destruction & self-confirmation.

therapy was cancelled this week, but how about this #tbt to this time last year. still working on this, still working on lots.
[birb] https://twitter.com/nickfourtimes/status/915585934653083648
#todayintherapy

still anger.
anger as assertion; how i've trained myself to hide/ignore anger to avoid challenging people, to maintain a status quo. how this plays out as a constant performance & self-denial, a lack of identity in any situation, of identity in general. could "practising anger" as assertion help/have helped my definition of self...