~ today in therapy ~
(continuing this thread:
https://mastodon.social/@nicknicknicknick/100401896902724106
which is itself a continuation of this birb thread
https://twitter.com/nickfourtimes/status/893116233838714880)
~ today in therapy ~
the part of me that wants to be adult, serious, in control; and the part of me that is vulnerable, desperate, hurting; and the disinformation between the two.
~ today in therapy ~
forcing myself to do the opposite of what i want to do; i've spent so much time alone that i isolate myself despite wanting support and having it available. why.
~ today in therapy ~
how much i hide away and keep to myself (for fear of what?), how much i relate with both deckard and the replicants – a shapeshifting, immature, dangerous, ambiguous agent that can blend in but is always at risk of being found out.
cf. https://friend.camp/@nicknicknicknick/100711904616456612
this actually connects with something i noticed where i do claim to prefer being quiet and on my own – i've practiced being alone for so long that i've come to valorise it – but if i feel vaguely safe enough in a conversation i can prattle on for hours and thoroughly enjoy it, something i'd previously denied myself.
~ today in therapy ~
sexuality! finally!
specifically teenage sexuality.
also the overlap between my online friends in the kink and game studies circles, respectively, and the concept of the magic circle common to both.
~ today in therapy ~
using forgetfulness at some level as an aggressive defence of my assumed/enacted independent identity; and other reasons why i internalise anger: it avoids negotiation, my only experience with anger has been at the extreme, i don't know how to "use" anger except for destruction & self-confirmation.
~ today in therapy ~
therapy was cancelled this week, but how about this #tbt to this time last year. still working on this, still working on lots.
[birb] https://twitter.com/nickfourtimes/status/915585934653083648
#todayintherapy
~ today in therapy ~
still anger.
anger as assertion; how i've trained myself to hide/ignore anger to avoid challenging people, to maintain a status quo. how this plays out as a constant performance & self-denial, a lack of identity in any situation, of identity in general. could "practising anger" as assertion help/have helped my definition of self...
~ today in therapy ~
i see every failure as a sign that i don't belong/am unwanted. after decades of (mundane!) failures i feel absolutely lost, alone, without identity. i want understanding/rapport but don't know what that looks like b/c i feel alien & unknown to everyone, depersonalised from myself.
~ today in therapy ~
i feel inflexible and incapable of negotiation in the abstract sense. i hold onto an ideal of a static, fully-capable individual, and recoil when i don't meet that. i also want to achieve a more flexible, rhizomatic, insightful being. it'll take some work.
~ today in therapy ~
insecurity.
i've internalised the rhetoric of rationality and feel ashamed when i can't realise it; everything has to be earned, validated, and codified; at the same time i'm scared of others who claim to be purely rational; we've cauterised a part of ourselves. i want emotions, i want connection; i'm scared of fitting in & disappearing.
#todayintherapy
~ today in therapy ~
i feel disconnected from myself, dissociated, fragmented – there's a different me in different situations. i feel numb, alone, frustrated, misunderstood, and i've hurt a lot of people in trying to get them to mirror those feelings for me instead of communicating what i feel myself.
~ today in therapy ~
oh yeah! we had a break this week.
but i spent most of the day working from home, thinking of all the ways i've pushed people away. maybe i was hoping they'd want me back? maybe i'm scared of showing a face i do not know.
~ today in therapy ~
self-mortification vs aspiration. the ideal i want, and the means by which i punish myself for moving towards it.
~ today in therapy ~
the usual running in place: wanting connection, fear of the negotiation, energy, and uncertainty that it requires. more self-denial.
#todayintherapy
~ today in therapy ~
fear (and anger) and (self-)loathing.
the usual.
my only understanding of anger has been frightening and physically dangerous, so i end up turning it back on myself and swallowing it. i want people to witness the suffering (cf. this thread). also, the desire for instant gratification, how that shapes and is shaped by anger.
~ today in therapy ~
catching up after the holidays. two prominent features:
~ family dynamics (at the dinner table, &c.); are we emotionally "enmeshed," feeding back into one another, instead of acknowledging our boundaries?
~ do i view/enact my depression (or internalised anger) as a martyrdom, if so for what cause? what is the reward or acknowledgment i'm seeking?
~ today in therapy ~
navigating the obligations i feel to both domesticity on one end (cf. https://friend.camp/@nicknicknicknick/101389784602002627) and self-fulfillment on the other; more about my need for and lack of intimacy; and then we talked about male intimacy so *of course* i talked about deep space 9.
well that's cheque #069 written to my therapist.
huh.
~ today in therapy ~
the possibility that what i think is low self-esteem is actually high self-esteem and entitlement hitting harsh realities/tripping over obstacles and turning to self-flagellation as manipulative call for attention/control. this is frightening to me.
also, returning to the feeling that everyone engages socially as if its their first language, and i'm only getting by in a third- or fourth-language that i read in a phrasebook.
~ today in therapy ~
i am bone tired. the ways i bully myself, the ways i act my emotions against myself and others instead of voicing them. the various reasons i enjoy smashing my ego against itself.
~ today in therapy ~
oof.
~ today in therapy ~
was a lot.
~ today in therapy ~
i expect things to be all or nothing, either i am perfect and respected at something or i spitefully turn away from it.
also she recognised my zelda ringtone and enjoyed ocarina of time!
~ today in therapy ~
first sesh in a few weeks.
i'm feeling okay.
i'm feeling okay because i can converse with myself and others.
it's not perfect and i'm accepting that.
to reiterate...
🐦🔗
https://twitter.com/nickfourtimes/status/893116233838714880
#todayintherapy
~ today in therapy ~
two-year anniversary (started 17 mar 2017).
she, along with others, has noticed a (positive) change in the past few months. i feel i'm getting better at metacognition; at recognising what parts of my life require more conversation as opposed to control; speaking for myself instead of trying to appease others.
~ today in therapy ~
what it's like living only in an attempt to anticipate what others expect of me; 20+ years being a weird echo of people around me, the panic at not knowing what else (if anything) there is inside the shell.
~ today in therapy ~
didn't realise how much it was an extension of last week, but it was the closest i've been to a panic-cry in a while, overlooking this decades-long loneliness.
#todayintherapy
~ today in therapy ~
the usual (plural).
~ today in therapy ~
little nick and the triangle of sadism, masochism, and paranoia.
(the triangle is bad).
~ today in therapy ~
limited catharsis.
~ today in therapy ~
@nicknicknicknick hugs if you want 'em.
@hache
ah it's alright it's.... just some potential realisations i have to process.
~ today in therapy ~
@nicknicknicknick Hey that sounds really good, well done :)
~ today in therapy ~
i am an egg. everyone is an egg.
i've internalised the fragility of others and myself to the point where i avoid confronting myself and others. for fear of breaking. the frustration builds, the meekness & depression spread.