~ today in therapy ~ 

(continuing this thread:
mastodon.social/@nicknicknickn
which is itself a continuation of this birb thread
twitter.com/nickfourtimes/stat)

~ today in therapy ~
the part of me that wants to be adult, serious, in control; and the part of me that is vulnerable, desperate, hurting; and the disinformation between the two.

~ today in therapy ~ 

forcing myself to do the opposite of what i want to do; i've spent so much time alone that i isolate myself despite wanting support and having it available. why.

~ today in therapy ~ 

how much i hide away and keep to myself (for fear of what?), how much i relate with both deckard and the replicants – a shapeshifting, immature, dangerous, ambiguous agent that can blend in but is always at risk of being found out.

cf. friend.camp/@nicknicknicknick/

this actually connects with something i noticed where i do claim to prefer being quiet and on my own – i've practiced being alone for so long that i've come to valorise it – but if i feel vaguely safe enough in a conversation i can prattle on for hours and thoroughly enjoy it, something i'd previously denied myself.

~ today in therapy ~ 

sexuality! finally!
specifically teenage sexuality.
also the overlap between my online friends in the kink and game studies circles, respectively, and the concept of the magic circle common to both.

~ today in therapy ~ 

using forgetfulness at some level as an aggressive defence of my assumed/enacted independent identity; and other reasons why i internalise anger: it avoids negotiation, my only experience with anger has been at the extreme, i don't know how to "use" anger except for destruction & self-confirmation.

~ today in therapy ~ 

therapy was cancelled this week, but how about this to this time last year. still working on this, still working on lots.
[birb] twitter.com/nickfourtimes/stat

~ today in therapy ~ 

still anger.
anger as assertion; how i've trained myself to hide/ignore anger to avoid challenging people, to maintain a status quo. how this plays out as a constant performance & self-denial, a lack of identity in any situation, of identity in general. could "practising anger" as assertion help/have helped my definition of self...

~ today in therapy ~ 

i see every failure as a sign that i don't belong/am unwanted. after decades of (mundane!) failures i feel absolutely lost, alone, without identity. i want understanding/rapport but don't know what that looks like b/c i feel alien & unknown to everyone, depersonalised from myself.

~ today in therapy ~ 

i feel inflexible and incapable of negotiation in the abstract sense. i hold onto an ideal of a static, fully-capable individual, and recoil when i don't meet that. i also want to achieve a more flexible, rhizomatic, insightful being. it'll take some work.

~ today in therapy ~ 

insecurity.
i've internalised the rhetoric of rationality and feel ashamed when i can't realise it; everything has to be earned, validated, and codified; at the same time i'm scared of others who claim to be purely rational; we've cauterised a part of ourselves. i want emotions, i want connection; i'm scared of fitting in & disappearing.

~ today in therapy ~ 

i feel disconnected from myself, dissociated, fragmented – there's a different me in different situations. i feel numb, alone, frustrated, misunderstood, and i've hurt a lot of people in trying to get them to mirror those feelings for me instead of communicating what i feel myself.

~ today in therapy ~ 

oh yeah! we had a break this week.
but i spent most of the day working from home, thinking of all the ways i've pushed people away. maybe i was hoping they'd want me back? maybe i'm scared of showing a face i do not know.

~ today in therapy ~ 

i am an egg. everyone is an egg.
i've internalised the fragility of others and myself to the point where i avoid confronting myself and others. for fear of breaking. the frustration builds, the meekness & depression spread.

~ today in therapy ~ 

self-mortification vs aspiration. the ideal i want, and the means by which i punish myself for moving towards it.

~ today in therapy ~ 

the usual running in place: wanting connection, fear of the negotiation, energy, and uncertainty that it requires. more self-denial.

~ today in therapy ~ 

fear (and anger) and (self-)loathing.
the usual.
my only understanding of anger has been frightening and physically dangerous, so i end up turning it back on myself and swallowing it. i want people to witness the suffering (cf. this thread). also, the desire for instant gratification, how that shapes and is shaped by anger.

~ today in therapy ~ 

catching up after the holidays. two prominent features:
~ family dynamics (at the dinner table, &c.); are we emotionally "enmeshed," feeding back into one another, instead of acknowledging our boundaries?
~ do i view/enact my depression (or internalised anger) as a martyrdom, if so for what cause? what is the reward or acknowledgment i'm seeking?

~ today in therapy ~ 

navigating the obligations i feel to both domesticity on one end (cf. friend.camp/@nicknicknicknick/) and self-fulfillment on the other; more about my need for and lack of intimacy; and then we talked about male intimacy so *of course* i talked about deep space 9.

well that's cheque #069 written to my therapist.

huh.

~ today in therapy ~ 

the possibility that what i think is low self-esteem is actually high self-esteem and entitlement hitting harsh realities/tripping over obstacles and turning to self-flagellation as manipulative call for attention/control. this is frightening to me.

also, returning to the feeling that everyone engages socially as if its their first language, and i'm only getting by in a third- or fourth-language that i read in a phrasebook.

~ today in therapy ~ 

i am bone tired. the ways i bully myself, the ways i act my emotions against myself and others instead of voicing them. the various reasons i enjoy smashing my ego against itself.

~ today in therapy ~ 

i expect things to be all or nothing, either i am perfect and respected at something or i spitefully turn away from it.

also she recognised my zelda ringtone and enjoyed ocarina of time!

~ today in therapy ~ 

first sesh in a few weeks.
i'm feeling okay.
i'm feeling okay because i can converse with myself and others.
it's not perfect and i'm accepting that.

to reiterate...
πŸ¦πŸ”—
twitter.com/nickfourtimes/stat

~ today in therapy ~ 

two-year anniversary (started 17 mar 2017).

she, along with others, has noticed a (positive) change in the past few months. i feel i'm getting better at metacognition; at recognising what parts of my life require more conversation as opposed to control; speaking for myself instead of trying to appease others.

Follow

~ today in therapy ~ 

what it's like living only in an attempt to anticipate what others expect of me; 20+ years being a weird echo of people around me, the panic at not knowing what else (if anything) there is inside the shell.

Β· Β· Web Β· 1 Β· 0 Β· 1

~ today in therapy ~ 

didn't realise how much it was an extension of last week, but it was the closest i've been to a panic-cry in a while, overlooking this decades-long loneliness.

~ today in therapy ~ 

little nick and the triangle of sadism, masochism, and paranoia.

(the triangle is bad).

~ today in therapy ~ 

i'm awkwardly sweaty and can't figure out how to sit.

~ today in therapy ~ 

was good and i wish more people would do it.

~ this week in therapy ~ 

...served as a nice recapitulation of the entire 2Β½ year process. i feel attention/affection-starved and yet resent the fact that i'm not entirely self-sufficient; i feel emotion-starved and yet resent those that wear their emotions; i define myself by how i imagine others think of me; i can only be either perfectly capable or totally worthless.

~ today in therapy ~ 

...was cancelled, as i'm assuming my therapist is going out dressed up as my own frustrated sense of entitlement.

~ today in therapy ~ 

back on that perfectionism ride, how my need to present complete competence just ends up alienating everyone around me.

also picked an end date for therapy! six months from today. so there's that.

~ today in therapy ~ 

"okay, okay, i get it, stop," says my therapist, as i walk her through the increasingly-frequent stress/ostracism dreams i've been having lately.

~ today in therapy ~ 

we're wrapping things up, as i'm taking a break from therapy in may (s'been 3yrs, 2mths). still staring down the barrel of erratic anger, perfectionism, and maybe a mild personality disorder? but they have names now.

~ today in therapy ~ 

the constant feeling of not belonging to a given situation and performing a (flawed) role instead; the vaguely sadomasochistic pattern of demanding to be loved and dreading being known, so to speak.

~ today in therapy ~ 

photography! pornography! both as filters reducing the complex to a framed object for consumption.

my repetition of a demand to be fixed.

that feeling from One Hour Photo, of stalking happy folks & muttering "what the fuck is wrong with these people."

~ today in therapy ~ 

vocalising how constantly and consistently exhausted and overwhelmed i have felt for... decades?

~ today in therapy ~ 

first in-person session since 40ine. we'd taken a break (virtual wasn't working) and before that we'd been talking about winding down anyway.

so today was my last session!

not everything was resolved & i'm allowing myself to accept that & accept what progress i've made.

~ today in introspection ~ 

wondering if i'm just afraid of becoming excited or invested in things.

~ today in therapy ~ 

@nicknicknicknick no one can wear that but you.

~ today in therapy ~ 

@nicknicknicknick feels kind of high-concept

~ today in therapy ~ 

@nicknicknicknick "demanding to be loved and dreading to be known"
Holy shit, I relate so hard to this.

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